True Love, Condoms and Purity Pledges

In my last post on this subject, True Love, Waiting and Purity Pledges, I questioned just how newsworthy the recent study by Janet Rosenbaum really is.  The study in question examines how effective purity pledges are in delaying the onset of sexual activity in teenagers by comparing students who report having made such a pledge with students from similar familial, religious and relational backgrounds who did not report making a pledge.

The study finds, ”Adolescents who take virginity pledges are not less sexually active than closely matched adolescents who do not take pledges, but they are less likely to use birth control and condoms.”

Previously, I reflected on what the first part of that finding should suggest about how we minister to teens.  Today I’d like to examine the implications of the second part of that finding – the fact that those who make purity pledges are significantly less likely than non-pledgers to use condoms or birth control if and when they do have sex.

Surprising Results

Actually, the study findings regarding significantly decreased condom use among purity pledgers who do have sex is not surprising at all.  This is something those who study the intended and unintended consequences of Abstinence Only Sex Education (ASOE) have known for a long time.

The question is, if failure to use condoms consistently and correctly significantly increases the risk of pregnancy and certain STD’s, why aren’t we teaching our kids about contraceptives?  Why do so many family advocacy groups argue against such education?

In part it’s a matter of perception.  The argument claims that educating children about contraceptives sends a mixed message. It is tantamount to telling students “You shouldn’t have sex before marriage, but we know this is an unrealistic and unattainable goal.”  And one can see some merit to the argument.

Take for example the actions of the Bisbee, Arizona school board who in April earned the attention of Family News in Focus by distributing gift bags to all prom attendees which included, among other things, condoms.  One can see how such action creates the perception that school officials expect students to have sex on prom night, and that such sexual activity is normal.

It is also a matter of implementation.  Those who argue in favor of ASOE point out that so-called comprehensive sex education (CSE) typically gives very little attention to abstinence. The Heritage Foundation’s study “Comprehensive Sex Education vs Authentic Abstinence: a study of competing curricula (PDF)” found that what they call “authentic abstinence” curricula devoted, on average, over half of its page content to promoting abstinence and 17% towards healthy relationships and marriage, as opposed to CSE programs which devoted only 4.7% of page content to abstinence and did not include any instruction about relationships and marriage.

These are both very valid concerns about CSE, and should give pause to anyone who wants truly comprehensive sex education that addresses not only the physiological but the emotional and relational aspects of sexuality.  But that’s where the surprising results come into play.

Despite the logical argument that teaching both abstinence and the importance of consistent, correct use of contraceptive for those who fail to abstain sends mixed messages, the fact remains: education about consistent, correct use of contraceptives does not increase sexual activity among students, nor does it decrease the average age of sexual debut. In other words, logical arguments aside, teaching students about condoms does not cause them to have more sex, or to have it sooner.

This is the truth about contraceptive education that eight years of ASOE policy at the federal level has obscured.  Despite research like that done by Sellers, McGraw, and McKinlay (1994), S Guttmacher, et al (1997), FF Furstenburg, et al. (PDF, 1997) ,  Mark Schuster, et al (1998), and Susan Blake, et al. (2003), ASOE advocates not only resist teaching about condoms, they attempt to hide the fact that such education has no negative effect (and according to some studies a positive effect) on the attempt to prevent teenage sexual activity.

In 2002, the CDC removed its online fact sheet for public health personnel  ”Condoms and Their Use in Preventing HIV Infection and other STDs (PDF),” replacing it with a revised version entitled “Male Latex Condoms and Sexually Transmitted Diseases (PDF).”  (The former fact sheet is now only available from sites other than the CDC, and the CDC’s URL for the former fact sheet now re-directs readers to the latter.)

Among the changes in the document was the removal of any mention of the research that shows that education about the consistent and correct use of contraceptives does not increase teenage sexual activity.   Apparently the CDC does not want public health personnel to realize that education about contraceptives does not increase sexual activity among teens.

Implications for Youth Ministry

So, taken together, what do these two facts – that ASOE has the unintended consequence of reducing contraceptive use among sexually active teens, and that CSE does not increase sexual activity among teens – mean for youth workers and parents?

First we must take into account the legitimate concerns about CSE.

If we are going to teach students about the consistent and correct use of contraceptives, we must make sure we do so in a way that does not send mixed messages.

But is that even possible?

I believe it is, and I believe that we have an example of such teaching in the life and ministry of Jesus Christ.

³Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”

⁴“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ ⁵and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? ⁶So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

⁷“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”

⁸Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. ⁹I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”

This story from Matthew 19 deals directly with the question of sending mixed messages.  The Pharisee’s want Jesus’ ruling on the legitimacy of divorce so that they can figure out what side of their debates he weighs in on.  Jesus responds by saying that divorce has never been a part of God’s plan for marriage.

“But didn’t God give Moses provisions for divorce in the law?” they ask.

Granted, none of this has anything to do with contraceptives yet, but notice Jesus’ response.  Essentially he says the divorce provisions there are to protect people from some of the ugliest consequences of deviating from God’s plan for marriage.  Hebrew divorce law provided at least some protection for the rights of women in a society that treated them like property.  It ensured that should a husband choose to discard his wife, he must release her from her obligations to him so that she could remarry.

“But it was not this way from the beginning,” Jesus adds.  In other words, just because God made provision for your protection, it does not imply that He is giving you permission.  Divorce is still a violation of his design for marriage.  It still has ugly consequences from which no amount of legislation can shield you.  And it still grieves His heart.

Did you catch that?  Protection does not imply permission.  If we teach our teens about the consistent and correct use of contraceptives in such a way that stresses this fact, I believe we avoid sending them mixed messages.  Especially if we point out that, like divorce laws, this protection cannot shield them from all the consequences of abandoning God’s plan for sex.  But that’s a subject to which we’ll return.  For now, suffice it to say that we can teach students how to protect themselves without implying they have our permission to reject God’s plan.  At least that’s what Jesus did with divorce.

If we are going to teach students about the consistent and correct use of contraceptives, we must make sure the protection provided by contraceptives does not overshadow the vital importance of abstinence.

Comprehensive sex education that mentions abstinence only in passing is less than comprehensive, especially given the fact that contraceptives only protect against some of the consequences of premarital sexual activity.  And CSE that implies that sexual activity is normative, healthy and expected for teenagers is far from acceptable.  But again, I believe we can instruct teens about the protections that contraceptives provide without falling into these errors.

Secondly, we must make sure that we do not exaggerate.

This too is a two-fold danger.

Some ASOE programs exaggerate the unreliability of contraceptives.  For an example, one needs only to look again at the changes made to the CDC fact sheet about condoms.  I understand the reasoning behind such exaggerations.  It’s an attempt to scare teenagers out of having premarital sex by making sure they know there’s no way they can do it safely.  And at the most basic level that is true.  There is no way you can safely engage in premarital sex because contraceptives only protect against some of the dangers. However, if we distort the truth about those dangers against which the consistent and correct use of contraceptives can protect, it is no wonder the student we influence are less likely to use them if they do have sex.  We must teach the truth about the efficacy of condoms and other contraceptives.

However, some CSE programs exaggerate the efficacy of condoms.

Latex and polyurethane condoms only protect against some STD’s, specifically those that are transmitted through the contact of bodily fluids with mucous membranes.  Some STD’s (and STI’s – sexually transmitted infections) can be transmitted by skin-to-skin contact.  Condoms only protect against these kinds of STD’s like Herpes and HPV when infected areas are covered by the condom, which is not always the case.

Secondly, the key to the efficacy of condoms, as limited as it may be, is their consistent and correct use.  If there is one demographic that does not use them consistently and correctly, it is adolescents.  Add to that the way that the urgency of sexual temptation causes adolescents to act without fully thinking out the consequences and you have a recipe for disaster.  CSE must stress that contraceptives provide protection only if used correctly every time.

Thirdly, while condoms, when used consistently and correctly, do a very good job of protecting the body from some of the physical consequences of sexual activity, they are completely ineffective in protecting against the emotional, relational and spiritual consequences of sexual activity.  CSE is not comprehensive if it fails to educate students about these additional consequences.

In our True Love Waits curriculum, we teach students that sex changes things.  It’s consequences are more than just physical.

• Sex changes our current relationships.  Time that should be spent creating true emotional and relational intimacy and forming the foundation of a lasting relationship is instead spent creating a premature physical bond through sexual intimacy, and the quality and stability of the relationship is thus undermined.
• Sex changes the length of our relationships. Sex was created by God to create a physical bond between two people.  And it does.  We become attached to those with whom we have sex.  As a result sexually active partners sometimes stay in unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships which would have ended long ago, were it not for an unwillingness to experience the pain of breaking the physical attachment created by sex.
• Sex changes our future relationships. It undermines trust and commitment by introducing the constant fear of comparison and the dissatisfaction that such comparisons sometimes bring.  It also causes us to bring the unneeded baggage of guilt and shame into our future relationships.  What is more, research shows the more times we break the bond of physical intimacy, the easier it is for us to do it again.  The relational glue of sexual intimacy, which was designed by God to strengthen the real intimacy between husband and wife, becomes less effective.
• Sex changes our relationship with God. One cannot willingly rebel against God’s clear design for one’s life without damaging this relationship.  Just as premarital sex introduces guilt and shame into our future relationships, it also poisons our relationship with God.

And while condoms do provide protection from some of the physical effects of sex, condoms can do nothing to protect our minds, our hearts or our souls.

Finally, we as youth ministers must make sure parents have the right information on which to base their decisions.

Whether it is deciding what to teach their children at home or it is being advocates of effective sex education in schools, parents need to make right decisions about what and when to teach their children.  And as long as we are basing our decisions on the faulty perception that somehow teaching students about contraceptives will cause them to have more sex and to have it sooner, our decisions will always be flawed.

Unfortunately there aren’t a lot of voices out there letting parents know this truth.  And as soon as anyone points this fact out, they typically are lumped in as “one of them” who thinks all teens will and should be having sex.  Parents need to hear strong advocates of abstinence acknowledge the fact that just because a teen knows about a condom does not mean they will have sex.  If we really are to be ministers to not only the teens but also the whole family, we must help families have accurate and complete information.

Click here to see the rest of our True Love Waits posts all in one place.

(photo courtesy of riekhavoc on flickr)

Purity Pledges and Waiting Until Marriage

The news has been making a lot about a recently released study by Janet E. Rosenbaum which studies the effectiveness of purity pledges in helping teens wait until marriage before having sex.  All the major outlets have run a story, from FoxNEWS to MSNBC, the Chicago Tribune to the Washington Post,  US News and World Report to Newsweek. (Oh, wait.  As far as I can tell, Newsweek is one of the few sources that hasn’t run a story on it yet.)

Stories have been leading with titles as titillating as ‘,Abstinence-only’ is a total crock, That virginity pledge I took didn’t work….and now I have four children, and the incredibly misleading Study: Teens Who Took Virginity Plan More Likely To Have Sex.

However, I have to wonder just how newsworthy this really is.

First, the report was released recently, but the data is old.  It’s based on the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health (also known as the Add Health study), an impressive study which has followed a representative sample of American teenagers from the 1994-1995 school year when they were in grades 7-12 through the present, when during 2008 interviews study participants were between 24 and 32.  Unlike other studies which compare this years youth with previous years youth (comparing similar groups of different individuals) this study follows the same individuals through adolescence and into early adulthood.

Of course, that means the teens in question were teenagers in the late 90′s (average age of 17 in 1996) and the effects of purity pledges were based on answers to interviews in 2001 when participants were an average age of 25.  This study looks at the results of purity pledges as promoted in the 90′s, as opposed to what is happening in schools and youth ministries today.  That then begs the question whether or not we’ve learned anything or improved what we do in the last decade.

What is more, there have already been studies that look at the effectiveness of purity pledges. The consensus appears to be that purity pledges delay the onset of sexual activity, but do not necessarily cause teens to wait until they are married.  They wait until they are older, yes.  But not until marriage.  That “news” is nothing new.

What makes this study different is that it attempts to isolate the purity pledge from other factors that might contribute to a delay in onset of sexual activity.  Rosenbaum notes “One year before pledging, pledgers are more religious, less sexually experienced, and hold more negative attitudes about sex and birth control than adolescents who do not go on to take a virginity pledge.”  This study attempts to isolate the effects of the pledge itself by comparing students who make a purity pledge, not with all teens in the sample, but with teens of similar religious, famililal and behavorial backgrounds.

When such differences are taken into account and taken out of the equation, Rosenbaum’s research shows that “Adolescents who take virginity pledges are not less sexually active than closely matched adolescents who do not take pledges, but they are less likely to use birth control and condoms.”

What is news is that Rosenbaum’s study refutes an earliers study by the RAND corporation.  The RAND study also attempted to compare pledgers with non-pledgers of similar religious, familial and relational backgrounds.  The RAND study showed that over a three year period (as opposed to the five year period in Rosenbaum’s study) 42% of participants reported having sex as opposed to 34% of those who made a purity pledge.

Perhaps the most interesting findings, in my opinion, is the speed at which purity pledge participants forget their pledges.  Rosenbaum’s research found that five years after having made a purity pledge, 81.9% of pledgers denied ever having made a purity pledge.  This finding re-inforces Rosenbaums 2006 report that within one year of making a purity pledge 53% of pledgers recanted ever having made the pledge.

What Does This Mean For Youth Ministry?

It doesn’t matter to me whose numbers you believe.  I don’t find the RAND corporation’s 8% difference between pledgers and non-pledgers any more reassuring that Rosenbaum’s finding of no statistically significant difference.  The fact is purity pledges are not the solution to the problem of premarital sexual activity.  That doesn’t mean we should stop teaching the importance of abstinence as youth ministers, it simply means we might need to change the way we do so.

Today I want to look at what effect the finding that “adolescents who take virginity pledges are not less sexually active than closely matched adolescents who do not take pledges” should have on how we teach God’s design for sexuality.  Next week I’ll reflect on what, if any, changes the secondary finding – “they are less likely to use birth control and condoms” – should suggest.

The problem isn’t that teens are too young for sex.

Every two years our youth ministry features a ”True Love Waits” campaign.  That’s not to say that we only teach on the importance of purity every two years, but every two years we place a special emphasis on it and encourage teens to either make or reaffirm a purity pledge with the support of their parents.  We run it on a two year cycle to make sure that every student that grows up in our ministry has the opportunity to go through the core curriculum in their Junior High years and then goes through a reinforcement curriculum during Senior High.

One of the lessons in the series, “Truth and Consequences” features a true false quiz.  And one of the statements we ask them to evaluate is “Sex is for people in mature, loving relationships, not for casual encounters.”

When you stop to reflect it’s not surpring that every time we ask the question welll over 90% of participants assume that statement is true.

After all, that is the message that they hear from most voices in their lives.  The school tells them they are too young for sex.  Despite the media’s bad reputation, television does a pretty good job of making sure teens know sex isn’t for casual encounters and they need to be more mature before they’re ready to handle it.  Even parents tell their kids they are too young for sex.

The problem is that while sex was not created for casual encounters, the criteria by which God judges is not “are you mature enough for sex.”  The question is “Are you married enough for sex.”  Our teaching needs to stress this reality. We must re-evaluate our teaching to make sure that we aren’t implying a message of “wait until you are older” and are teaching the truth “wait until you are married.”

The message must be reinforced.

If teens make a purity pledge with such casual disregard that within a year more than half of them won’t even claim to have made such a pledge, we -parents and youth workers alike – cannot assume that if we get them to put on a purity ring we’ve won the battle.  We must be finding ways to constantly reinforce the message about purity and challenge teens to reaffirm their prior commitments.

We must provide the assets that really make the difference.

Perhaps in my opinion, the most helpful part of this study is not the statistical difference between pledgers and “closely matched” non-pledgers, but rather the good start at defining what counts as “closely matched.”  After all, the hypothesis of this study is that it is not the pledge but the familial, religious and relational characteristics of those likely to make a pledge.

If this study proves that it is these characteristics, not the pledge, that matters, our response should not be to abandon teaching the importance of purity, but rather to focus on how we can develop these characteristics in our students.  So, what makes the difference?

Among the factors Rosenbaum took into account were several relating to family sitution: parental education, one- or two-parent homes, close relationships with parents, warm/loving relationships with parents, strong communication with parents, and parental discipline that not only punishes wrong behavior but also explained why that behavior was wrong.  Several examined school conditions such as closeness to schoolmates, a sense of belonging to school community, good relationships with teachers and peers, and involvement in extracurricular activities. Others related to religious involvent, intelligence, pubertal development, and a prior practice of abstinence.

Among the factors most likely to contribute to making a purity pledge and thus which make a teen less likely to engage in sexual activity before marriage are:

• a good relationship to teachers and school peers
• the sense that they are already loved
• regular involvement in church
• regular involvement in youth ministry
• self identification as “Born Again”
• parental religious involvement
• an understanding that premarital sex is wrong

It would seem to me that the more we can do to help develop these assets in our youth, the better chances they have to make good choices regarding abstience.  These, not just the pledge, are the things we need to be focusing on.

A plea for more research

Now that the purity pledge in isolation has been ruled out as really making a difference, the next step would seem to be to do similar studies on these other characteristics.  Which of them really contribute to promoting abstinence, and which are simply stereotypical characteristics of those who abstain?

Take for example contraceptives.  According to Rosenbaum’s methodology, those who wait until marriage to have sex tend to have negative attitudes about birth control and contraception.  However, other research indicates that instruction about the effectiveness and proper use of contraceptives does not contribute to the onset of sexual activity in teens.

So which of the qualities Rosenbaum uses to match pledgers with similar non-pledgers contribute to abstinence and which are simply a reflection of what the researcher expects to find?

Click here to see the rest of our True Love Waits posts all in one place.

"I'm beautiful this way!"

If you subscribe to my Twitter feed, @pastorbuhro, or if you read it in the sidebar of this blog, you know I really enjoy listening to all the things my three-year-old daughter Mackenzie has to say. A few days ago I was listening to her play with her youngest brother (Brock, age 5) in their shared bedroom. They were in their dress-up toy box and I heard her explain, “I’m dressed up like Snow White because I’m beautiful this way.”

Of course I had to go and see just what she was talking about. And there she was, in her Snow White blouse, Bibleman cape, and pink toy high heels.

Being a good father, I knew I had to grab my new camera and get a picture of this fashion statement.

And being a good son I also knew I had to get the picture up on flickr so her Grandmas up north could see it.

But once all that was done, I began to think about what I’d just heard: my daughter, explaining to her brother, “I’m beautiful this way.” And that got me thinking.   I began wondering how many more years my daughter will be able to look into the mirror and say that.

I’d like to think that she will grow up into a confident young lady who, when asked, will explain,” I’m dressed like this because I’m beautiful this way.”  But thirteen years as a youth pastor makes me skeptical.

I’ve met very few young ladies who had the confidence to say “I’m beautiful this way.”  I’ve met a lot who said “I would be beautiful, if only I wasn’t so . . .”  I’ve met a lot who dressed to make up for a beauty they feared they lacked (even when they didn’t lack beauty at all.)  And I’ve seen far too many tragic consequences that come with this loss of confidence.

But I’ve met very few who look into the mirror and see beauty rather than flaws.

As a youth pastor, I know the struggle for positive body image is one that comes with adolescence for both boys and girls.

As a youth pastor, and more frighteningly as a father, I’m not sure what to do about it.

So I started to study.  Over the past week I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on concerning developing positive body image in kids and teens.  Here’s what I’ve learned, presented not as an expert (i.e. someone who’s tried it and found that it works) but rather as a father and pastor looking for sound advice for helping his kids.

Why the Struggle?

It seems to me that one of the first steps in correcting the problem would be understanding why it happens.  And like so many problems, this one has its roots in many causes.  Among them are:

• Media messages: Young people are bombarded daily by messages from the media prescribing a certain body type as ideal.  Ironically, their own models fail to live up to their exacting standards and image retouching has become an industry of it’s own.
• Family pressures: One of the findings that was most troubling to me was the fact that many girls who find themselves struggling with disordered eating as a result of negative body image had parents who were dieting.  As someone with less than optimal eating habits, and as someone who is trying to fix that, I’m suddenly worrying about what effect my concerns about my weight will have on my children.
• Social constructs: Whether it is teasing from peers on the playground or seeing how those with a certain body type seem to find success more easily, our culture reinforces the ideas about ideal body type communicated by media.
• Self-Esteem struggles: This might seem a no-brainer, but lack of self-confidence and an expectation of a better future contribute to poor body image.
• Puberty itself: Everybody’s body develops differently, both on a individual time table and through unique transitions.  When our children see the way others are developing and assume that is what they should expect in themselves (or worse, that if they develop differently it means there is something wrong) the seeds for self-doubt are planted.  What is more, it is both natural and common for the body to store up fat in preparation for the growth spurts of puberty.  The problem is when we mistake this natural physical transition for a weight problem.

What can I do to help?

Of course, that’s all well and good.  But what can I, a father and a pastor, do to help my children (both biological and ecclesial) navigate this transition?  How do I develop in my children and encourage in my teens both healthy self-confidence and habits?

• Be a role model: Here too I found myself personally challenged.  Humor is a pretty important skill for any communicator, and self-deprecating humor is sometimes the safest kind.  Or at least it seems that way.  Ask the teens in my youth group.  They know that I know I’m overweight.  I make fun of myself on a pretty regular basis.  But by mocking myself, am I reinforcing negative body image in those who have builds like mine?  I need to be a role model not only of healthy diet and exercise habits, but also of one who does not tease about weight or body type, even my own.
• Stress health rather than weight: I mentioned earlier my concerns about the effect that my efforts at weight loss might have on my children.  But for the sake of my own health, I can’t afford to not change my eating habits and seek to increase my physical activity.  The key to making these important dietary and activity changes while not damaging my children’s body image is to make sure that the goal is expressed in terms of changing one’s health, not weight.  The goal is a healthier way of life, not to conform to one ideal body type.
• Value what matters: We often compliment and affirm things that really don’t matter – thinness, beauty and outward appearance.  And while there is no harm in telling your daughter that yes, she is beautiful that way, we need to make sure that those aren’t the only attributes they ever hear us praise.  We need to celebrate the body’s strength, dependability, capability, coordination, health and flexibility far more than just its outward appearance.  Add to that praise for non-physical attributes as well – faithfulness, dependability, honesty, kindness, intelligence, etc. – and you begin to develop a more well-rounded understanding about what’s really valuable.
• Develop healthy habits: Prioritize eating meals together as a family (another subject where youth pastors who often work such irregular hours feel the twinge of conviction).  Make your meals nutritious and offer healthy portion sizes.   Ensure that healthy options are available for snack food.
• Build your child’s self-esteem: I mentioned these earlier, but the two characteristics we must find a way to develop in our children is a sense of competence and a hope for a better tomorrow.  It doesn’t seem to matter what risk behavior we’re talking about – premarital sex, substance abuse, eating disorders, suicide, bullying, and the list could go on.  Regardless the risk, two of the recurring contributing factors are the lack of these two characteristics.  So pass them on to your children.  Help them find an activity in which they can excel and experience a sense of competence.  And constantly encourage them to think about a future that is wide open and full of possibility.
• Teach media literacy: Help your kids see through the ways in which the media distorts our ideas of ideal body image.  Point out how unrealistically the media tends to portray the way the world looks, from it’s hiring of actors and actresses of a single and fairly uncommon body type, to the ways in which it alters the images of those actors and models to further promote their view of the ideal reality.  But don’t just show them how — show them why.  In a culture where so many already have more than they need, the only way to continue fueling an economy of consumption is to create dissatisfaction with what we already have.  Media is funded by advertisers.  And advertisers must convince us that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, happy enough or beautiful enough to create a sense of need where none really exists.

Where to go for more information?

I already acknowledge that I can hardly be considered an expert in this subject.  This post is not writing about somethign I know — it’s writing about something I need to know.  Here are some of the sources I found helpful in preparing this.  As always, be careful about following links.  I have not navigated many of the links contained on the pages I’m about to recommend.  Nor do I necessarily endorse all the ideas or issues that the sites on which these pages appear promote.  However, I found each of these helpful.

• Body image and your kids
• Body image: How parents can help
• Body image and children
• What causes a negative body image?
• Healthy Body Image: Being an Advocate for Your Child or Grandchild (PDF)

What Do You Know?

Have you been through this with your children?  Or were you perhaps a daughter whose father helped develop self-confidence in you?  Do you know first hand what works and what doesn’t?

Obviously I’d love to have the advice not only of these books and websites, but also from people with firsthand knowledge.  Please, join the conversation in the comments below.

Weekend Teaching Series: Write them On My Heart (A series on the 10 Commandments)

Message Title: Word Five: You will Honor Your Father and Mother

Sermon in a Sentence: God calls us to understand the importance of our parents in our life, and to treat them with the respect they deserve.

Text(s): Deuteronomy 5:16; Ephesians 6:1

Weekend Scale of Difficulty: 7 of 10; Two video clips tonight, including one that needed some editing.  Lots of unusual buttons and cues for tech crew.  But what really made it tough was the subject matter.  If you’re honest and faithful both to scripture and the realities in which your teens live, this subject can be messy and brings up tough questions that defy easy answers.

Message Summary: We started by breaking out the Beat Box and kickin’ it old school.  The year was 1988.  It was the summer after my eighth grade year.  (And yes, that really is me on the right.)  I was at Purdue university, enrolled in their Star program, taking classes in Biology and Chemistry.  I was walking from my dorm to the science building for class when a car drove by with windows down.  And for the first time in my life, this boy from Nowhereville, Indiana heard rap.  It was DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince with their 1988 hit “Parents Just Don’t Understand”

(Did you know that iTunes actually sells this old music video?  It was at this point that we played it. Or at least the first “verse.” Before you show it, take time to examine the graffiti in the background and edit out any you find too offensive. It goes by quick and is hard to notice, but you might want to redact some of it.)

This set up the idea that “parents just don’t understand.”  We explored the gulf of misunderstanding between teens and parents, then looked to see what God, who understands everything, has to say on the subject.

What does it mean to “Honor” our mother and father?  This Hebrew word literally means to treat as heavy or weighty.  (And of course we laughed at the idea that God wants us to treat our parents as if they were weighty.)  But what it ultimately boils down to is that God wants us to understand just how important our parents are to us and treat them with the proper respect in light of that fact.

Why are parents so important.  The fifth commandment spells that out too – so we might live long and do well.  You cannot live long and do well in the world until you learn how to give proper respect to those in authority, and our parents are the first authority figures in our life.

We also looked at Ephesians 6:1 and saw that God doesn’t just call us to honor our parents when they are right.  Instead he says it is right for us to honor our parents.  Whether they are right or wrong, it is still our responsibility to treat them with proper respect.

So how do we do that.  I suggested there were five things we needed to understand about our relationship with our parents if we want to honor them:

1) We have to understand where the conflict comes from.  We discussed the causes of teen/parent conflict, especially the conflict between growing into freedom and responsibility while still living under the responsible authority of parents.  It’s a new dynamic in adolescence, and it takes time to work through the implications.  That means teen/parent conflict is both natural and normal, and we don’t need to beat ourselves up just because we don’t always see eye to eye.

2) We have to understand where our parents are coming from. Here we noted that there are many factors that lead parents to make the types of decisions we might not like.  Parents have to take into account the bigger picture.  Parents have to treat children fairly (which contrary to popular opinion does not mean treating everyone the same.  It means treating each person according to their unique needs and circumstances.)  And parents have many God given duties (the duty to train, to discipline, to provide for, to be present and involved with, to avoid provoking unto wrath) some of which at times conflict with each other (to provide vs to be present with, to discipline vs to not provoke).

3) We have to understand and exemplify the virtues of childhood. Childhood is not an age, it’s an office.  And all of us are not only the children of someone, but we are called by God to become like a little child.  The virtues of childhood are humility (remembering our place), trust (offering the benefit of the doubt, even when we don’t always understand), and obedience.

4) We have to understand the things that we and our parents have in common.  Both parents and children desperately need the encouragement and support that comes from a strong and grace-filled family.  And both parents and children what what is best for the child, even if they don’t always agree or understand what that is.   If we can work trough disagreement and come to these things we have in common, we can overcome our differences.

5) We have to understand how to fight fair and give grace. Granted fight might not be the right word, but there is a place and a need for disagreement in the parent/teen relationship.  Learning how to express disagreement with while still showing proper respect to those in authority is a vital life lesson teens must learn.  We can disagree respectfully if we will 1) Set the example.  (That’s right, it’s our duty as children to set the example for our parents about how to have a respectful loving relationship.  See 1 Timothy 4:12.  That’s not to say our parents don’t have a duty to set an example for us.  But just because they don’t always live up to that duty doesn’t excuse us from setting an example ourselves.) 2) Control your anger. 3) Deal with issues, don’t attack the person.  4) Deal with issues, don’t deflect attention by digging up unrelated failures.  5) Ultimately we must remember our place.  (While there is room in the parent/teen relationship for disagreement, there is not room for disobedience, and sometimes even though we disagree we are still called to obey.)

But most importantly once we’ve disagreed, we must show grace.  If we want our parents to give us the benefit of the doubt and offer us a second chance, we must be willing to offer them the same.

If you’re interested you can download the powerpoint for this lesson here.  It’s a Office 2003 document.

Volunteer/Student Involvement: Really expected a lot from our student volunteers tonight, especially with an iTunes video running separately from our EasyWorship.  Two computers, weird sound settings.  And they did great!

Element of Fun/Positive Environment: In addition to the 80s video, which the teens loved, we also played Bluefish TV’s PSA “Spend Quality Time With Your Parents” during offering which most got a kick out of.

Plus, I couldn’t resist playing the KazooKeyLele video while the Senior Highers were coming in for worship.

Worship Set: Hallelujah, Your Love is Amazing; Marvelous Light; Mighty to Save; Majesty (Martin Smith’s version, not Jack Hayford’s); and Forever.  In Senior High we closed with Mighty to Save – the subject of family shed a new light on those lyrics.  And for all those struggling with parent/teen relationships that seem like they will never improve, the chorus “Savior, He Can Move the Mountains, My God is Mighty to Save” was the word of hope they needed to hear.

Favorite Moment: That’s really tough tonight.  There were several.  When I talked about the Bible saying Fathers were not to provoke their children to wrath, someone wanted to know the reference for that one.  “Ephesians 6:1,”  I said.  “Memorize that reference.  You don’t even need to memorize the verse.  Just memorize the reference and next time your dad’s making you really mad, just get out the Bible and look it up and have him read it to you.”

I also had a blast after service when Scott showed off the new talk-box he build for his electric guitar. It’s a lousy picture from my camera phone, but the talk-box was awesome and the knowledge that Scott built it himself was cool.

But honestly, my favorite part was getting the opportunity to speak God’s word to a bunch of teens that I love, especially in this area where I know so many of them are really struggling right now.  It amazes me how God can use even a sermon series to speak the right word at the right time to real people with real problems.