From Sampler to Sower

"I'm beautiful this way!"

If you subscribe to my Twitter feed, @pastorbuhro, or if you read it in the sidebar of this blog, you know I really enjoy listening to all the things my three-year-old daughter Mackenzie has to say. A few days ago I was listening to her play with her youngest brother (Brock, age 5) in their shared bedroom. They were in their dress-up toy box and I heard her explain, “I’m dressed up like Snow White because I’m beautiful this way.”

Of course I had to go and see just what she was talking about. And there she was, in her Snow White blouse, Bibleman cape, and pink toy high heels.

Being a good father, I knew I had to grab my new camera and get a picture of this fashion statement.

And being a good son I also knew I had to get the picture up on flickr so her Grandmas up north could see it.

But once all that was done, I began to think about what I’d just heard: my daughter, explaining to her brother, “I’m beautiful this way.” And that got me thinking.   I began wondering how many more years my daughter will be able to look into the mirror and say that.

I’d like to think that she will grow up into a confident young lady who, when asked, will explain,” I’m dressed like this because I’m beautiful this way.”  But thirteen years as a youth pastor makes me skeptical.

I’ve met very few young ladies who had the confidence to say “I’m beautiful this way.”  I’ve met a lot who said “I would be beautiful, if only I wasn’t so . . .”  I’ve met a lot who dressed to make up for a beauty they feared they lacked (even when they didn’t lack beauty at all.)  And I’ve seen far too many tragic consequences that come with this loss of confidence.

But I’ve met very few who look into the mirror and see beauty rather than flaws.

As a youth pastor, I know the struggle for positive body image is one that comes with adolescence for both boys and girls.

As a youth pastor, and more frighteningly as a father, I’m not sure what to do about it.

So I started to study.  Over the past week I’ve been reading everything I can get my hands on concerning developing positive body image in kids and teens.  Here’s what I’ve learned, presented not as an expert (i.e. someone who’s tried it and found that it works) but rather as a father and pastor looking for sound advice for helping his kids.

Why the Struggle?

It seems to me that one of the first steps in correcting the problem would be understanding why it happens.  And like so many problems, this one has its roots in many causes.  Among them are:

• Media messages: Young people are bombarded daily by messages from the media prescribing a certain body type as ideal.  Ironically, their own models fail to live up to their exacting standards and image retouching has become an industry of it’s own.
• Family pressures: One of the findings that was most troubling to me was the fact that many girls who find themselves struggling with disordered eating as a result of negative body image had parents who were dieting.  As someone with less than optimal eating habits, and as someone who is trying to fix that, I’m suddenly worrying about what effect my concerns about my weight will have on my children.
• Social constructs: Whether it is teasing from peers on the playground or seeing how those with a certain body type seem to find success more easily, our culture reinforces the ideas about ideal body type communicated by media.
• Self-Esteem struggles: This might seem a no-brainer, but lack of self-confidence and an expectation of a better future contribute to poor body image.
• Puberty itself: Everybody’s body develops differently, both on a individual time table and through unique transitions.  When our children see the way others are developing and assume that is what they should expect in themselves (or worse, that if they develop differently it means there is something wrong) the seeds for self-doubt are planted.  What is more, it is both natural and common for the body to store up fat in preparation for the growth spurts of puberty.  The problem is when we mistake this natural physical transition for a weight problem.

What can I do to help?

Of course, that’s all well and good.  But what can I, a father and a pastor, do to help my children (both biological and ecclesial) navigate this transition?  How do I develop in my children and encourage in my teens both healthy self-confidence and habits?

• Be a role model: Here too I found myself personally challenged.  Humor is a pretty important skill for any communicator, and self-deprecating humor is sometimes the safest kind.  Or at least it seems that way.  Ask the teens in my youth group.  They know that I know I’m overweight.  I make fun of myself on a pretty regular basis.  But by mocking myself, am I reinforcing negative body image in those who have builds like mine?  I need to be a role model not only of healthy diet and exercise habits, but also of one who does not tease about weight or body type, even my own.
• Stress health rather than weight: I mentioned earlier my concerns about the effect that my efforts at weight loss might have on my children.  But for the sake of my own health, I can’t afford to not change my eating habits and seek to increase my physical activity.  The key to making these important dietary and activity changes while not damaging my children’s body image is to make sure that the goal is expressed in terms of changing one’s health, not weight.  The goal is a healthier way of life, not to conform to one ideal body type.
• Value what matters: We often compliment and affirm things that really don’t matter – thinness, beauty and outward appearance.  And while there is no harm in telling your daughter that yes, she is beautiful that way, we need to make sure that those aren’t the only attributes they ever hear us praise.  We need to celebrate the body’s strength, dependability, capability, coordination, health and flexibility far more than just its outward appearance.  Add to that praise for non-physical attributes as well – faithfulness, dependability, honesty, kindness, intelligence, etc. – and you begin to develop a more well-rounded understanding about what’s really valuable.
• Develop healthy habits: Prioritize eating meals together as a family (another subject where youth pastors who often work such irregular hours feel the twinge of conviction).  Make your meals nutritious and offer healthy portion sizes.   Ensure that healthy options are available for snack food.
• Build your child’s self-esteem: I mentioned these earlier, but the two characteristics we must find a way to develop in our children is a sense of competence and a hope for a better tomorrow.  It doesn’t seem to matter what risk behavior we’re talking about – premarital sex, substance abuse, eating disorders, suicide, bullying, and the list could go on.  Regardless the risk, two of the recurring contributing factors are the lack of these two characteristics.  So pass them on to your children.  Help them find an activity in which they can excel and experience a sense of competence.  And constantly encourage them to think about a future that is wide open and full of possibility.
• Teach media literacy: Help your kids see through the ways in which the media distorts our ideas of ideal body image.  Point out how unrealistically the media tends to portray the way the world looks, from it’s hiring of actors and actresses of a single and fairly uncommon body type, to the ways in which it alters the images of those actors and models to further promote their view of the ideal reality.  But don’t just show them how — show them why.  In a culture where so many already have more than they need, the only way to continue fueling an economy of consumption is to create dissatisfaction with what we already have.  Media is funded by advertisers.  And advertisers must convince us that we aren’t good enough, smart enough, happy enough or beautiful enough to create a sense of need where none really exists.

Where to go for more information?

I already acknowledge that I can hardly be considered an expert in this subject.  This post is not writing about somethign I know — it’s writing about something I need to know.  Here are some of the sources I found helpful in preparing this.  As always, be careful about following links.  I have not navigated many of the links contained on the pages I’m about to recommend.  Nor do I necessarily endorse all the ideas or issues that the sites on which these pages appear promote.  However, I found each of these helpful.

• Body image and your kids
• Body image: How parents can help
• Body image and children
• What causes a negative body image?
• Healthy Body Image: Being an Advocate for Your Child or Grandchild (PDF)

What Do You Know?

Have you been through this with your children?  Or were you perhaps a daughter whose father helped develop self-confidence in you?  Do you know first hand what works and what doesn’t?

Obviously I’d love to have the advice not only of these books and websites, but also from people with firsthand knowledge.  Please, join the conversation in the comments below.