From Sampler to Sower

So, you’ve mastered the art of harnessing the power of friendliness and because of word of mouth and word of mouse, new teens are checking out your youth ministry.  Now that they’re here, how do you make sure they “stick?”

The answer, in a word, is hospitality.  Merriam-Webster’s Unabridged dictionary defines it as “the cordial and generous reception and entertainment of guests or strangers socially or commercially.”  My favorite definition however comes from Washington Irving who said “There is an emanation from the heart in genuine hospitality which cannot be described, but is immediately felt and puts the stranger at once at his ease.” (from his story “Christmas Eve” in The Sketch Book of Geoffrey Crayon, Gent.)

I like that a lot.  Genuine hospitality is hard to define and when you try to do so you end up with a cold fish of a phrase like “the cordial and generous reception and entertainment of guests or strangers socially or commercially.”  (No offense, George, Charles and Noah.)  But while hospitality is hard to define, it’s easy to recognize.  Some places, some people, simply have a way of putting a guest at ease which is immediately felt by all.

But more than something that we do, hospitable is something that we are.  Danny Meyer, author of Setting the Table puts it this way:

“Hospitality is present when something happens for you.  It is absent when something happens to you.  These two simple concepts—for and to—express it all.”

As long as we equate hospitality with all the things we do to our visitors, we miss the point.   Instead we must be hospitable for them, and most of that hospitality takes place long before they ever visit.  If I were writing the dictionary, I’d define hospitality as “the way we show others that we had them in mind before they ever came be our guest.”  Maybe it’s the Wesleyan in me, but hospitality is prevenient.

So how do we become a hospitable youth group?

Change the Culture

We live in a culture where we are constantly told that it is all about us.  Both the media and the marketplace are stumbling over themselves to customize our experiences to our own personal tastes.  What we want, we get.  It’s all about me.   I’m the customer and the customer is always right.  (Hospitality in this case, is directed toward me rather than shown by me.)  So it’s no surprise that when I come to church or youth group, I expect similar treatment.  After all, I could just as easily walk out the door and attend the next church down the road.

But as members of the church, we are called to show hospitality, not expect hospitality.  That means when it comes to designing a youth group event to reach out to and hold on to friends, it’s not about me or my regulars any longer.  A friend-friendly youth event isn’t for your teens.   At least, not directly.   Instead, it is for their friends.  It is our way of equipping our teens to share their faith by giving them something to which they can invite their friends.  That’s not to say your teens should hate what you do — your teens won’t invite their friends to something they aren’t passionate and excited about.  But they do need to be reminded that if they are just sitting around enjoying the feast of God’s favor without sharing it with their friends, they aren’t doing what’s right.  In other words, they need to be reminded that what you’re doing isn’t for them, it is for them to bring their friends to.

Hospitality a way of thinking.

One of the most important ways to put hospitality to work is in our decision making process.  When we make decisions as youth leaders and youth councils we (at least hopefully) give them careful consideration.  However, our consideration typical revolves around how this decision effects us.  Sometimes we even go as far as gathering input and information from our regulars on how it will affect them so that our decision can be informed.

But if hospitality means to have the guest in mind before they ever arrive, they should figure into our decision making process along side our regulars.  We don’t base our decisions on what we want or on what would be most convenient for us alone.  We must take them into account.  Each of our youth groups should look not only to its own interests, but also to the interests of others. (Seems like such an attitude would count as Biblical.)

Hospitality is a matter of design.

Image courtesy of MarS from Flickr

If you read my post on lessons learned from Starbucks you know that design can be both boon and bane.  It is possible to intentionally design a space for relationships, but design alone does not create relationships or friendliness.  If people aren’t friendly, even the friendliest room feels awkward and isolating.  However, that’s no excuse for failing to demonstrate hospitality through design.

If hospitality really is demonstrating that you were thinking about your guest before they ever came (and obviously I think it is — otherwise I wouldn’t keep repeating it like this) then how can the layout and furnishing of a youth group’s space communicate hospitality?

Even in the age of mega-youth centers, I do have a bit of advantage here in Middletown over most churches our size.  After two construction campaigns, first a gymnasium, then a new sanctuary, foyer, offices and education wing, our youth group has full reign of the entire “old” (read c. 1985 construction) part of the building.  The 200 seat sanctuary, the fellowship hall, the original educational wing, even the original offices, all of it is now all set aside for youth ministry.  I realize that not everyone has such a generous amount of space.  In fact, at my previous church, a small, aging church of about 80 in a mid-sized Central Illinois city, the only space set apart solely for youth ministry was a 15′ by 15′ Sunday School class room.  However, we were no less intentionally hospitable with our use of space in the small church than we are here in Middletown today.  Even the smallest church can show hospitality to teens, especially if they are willing to make decisions that take those who are not yet attending into account.

To begin with we met on Tuesday nights.  Not Sundays, not Wednesdays, but Tuesdays.  This was in part because we didn’t want to be competing with the mega-church’s high octane youth ministry right around the corner.  this way our teens could attend both.  (Interestingly enough, in Middletown, we still meet on Tuesdays now that <em>we</em> are the big church around the corner, so we’re not seen as competing for teens.)  But it was also because we needed to use the space we had as effectively as possible.  If we met on Wednesdays, we would always be stuck in the 15′x15′ Sunday School room, because the other ministries of the church were meeting in all the other rooms.  But by meeting on Tuesdays we could worship in the sanctuary, welcome guests and attenders in the foyer, run a snack bar out of the fellowship hall and turn the “youth room” into a lounge.  Granted that meant that we had to get students to church on two different nights (teens on Tuesdays, kids on Wednesdays).  And yes that caused some inconveniences for some parents but 1) It’s not about us, it’s about them, and 2) That option was the only way we could have the room to minister to more than those who were already our regulars (both in terms of Children and Youth ministries.) Add to that the fact that the vast majority of our students weren’t from church families so the difference between Tuesday and Wednesday meant nothing to them and moving youth group to Tuesday night was a no-brainer.

Once we found a way to find enough space to be hospitable, we began thinking through everything in terms of what would communicate the idea that we were thinking of the guest even before they came.  It would have been easier to worship in the sanctuary “as is” with the typical furniture in place (this was not an easily portable multi-purpose room set up.)  But every week we cleared the stage and build a youth-friendly set from ground up, only to tear it back down and bring the heavy furniture back in for Sunday.  The youth lounge was set up in light of the teens’ interests and to create attractive conversation groups to facilitate friendliness.  A welcome center was set up in the foyer every week so we could greet everyone as they came through the doors.  And we set up a snack bar in the fellowship hall to promote table fellowship, even if the table was spread with Mountain Dew and Snicker Bars.  And we did all on an annual budget from the church of $0 (not including my salary).  Don’t tell me you can’t afford to be hospitable!

It doesn’t matter how large or how small your church is, you can still intentionally design your space for hospitality.  Here’s some things to think about:

1. Do you have a snack bar? If I were starting to build a youth group from scratch, this is one of the first things I’d do.  Even if it’s just a mini-fridge filled with pop and a few cases of candy bars from Sam’s, I’d have a snack bar.  And not for the money you might possibly make. If you have a snack bar you have something to give every guest who walks through your door for the first time.  (And while you’re at it, give some free food to the person who invited them — remember you’re trying to promote table fellowship.)  If you have a snack bar you have quick and easy prizes for any game you might want to play.  And with the money you make off the reasonable prices, you can even play games for what my teens like to call “Real Cash Prizes.”  (Are you smarter than a Fifth Grader? is a big hit with our students right now.)
2. Do you have places conducive to conversation? If I were building on a budget, the second thing I’d go get is some round plastic patio tables and decks of cards. Maybe even Apples to Apples if there was enough money in the snack bar till to afford it.  There’s nothing like a game to get teens laughing and talking.
3. Can your guests find their way around? “Big Church” is attentive to things like signage and greeters (or at least they should be) but a lot of times youth groups aren’t.  Teens are no less embarrassed if they can’t find the bathroom or the sanctuary than adults are.  And if they feel embarrassed, you’ve lost the hospitality battle.
4. Do you have enough space for teens to be comfortable? Crowds don’t come back to crowded rooms.  And you probably don’t have the budget to build bigger rooms yourself.  But if you can’t get everyone in comfortably, you have all the more reason to start getting creative with space.

Hospitality is a matter of warmth.

Having said all that, we should probably reiterate: all the design in the world can’t overcome coldness.  Danny Meyer, Remember him? The not to but for author…  Anyway, Meyer suggests it’s like a moth and a light bulb.  Suppose a moth is attracted to a light bulb because of both the light and the warmth it emanates.  (Meyer even goes on to suggest we suppose for the sake of argument it’s 49% the light, 51% the warmth.)  Put up a florescent bulb, and there’s no warmth and little attraction.  Now, Meyer knows it’s neither the light nor the warmth for the moth, it’s just an example.  Instead he argues that it’s people who are looking for 51% warm hospitality and 49% technical excellence.  That means we can look as bright (excellent) as we want, but if we’re lacking the warmth, people won’t come back.  (And similarly, we can have the kindest staff ever, but if the food is awful or takes too long — he is writing for restaurateurs — no one will return).  So how do we make sure that our carefully planned youth programming and carefully designed youth space is warm and inviting?

It all begins with a human touch.   How quickly does someone walking through your door come across a smiling face that is glad to see them?  And remember the lessons we learned from Starbucks, we’re not measuring how long it takes one of our regulars to encounter a warm welcome.  What about the first time visitor?  And is that warm and welcome greeting fleeting?  Man, that sounds lame.   But you know what I mean.  Is it a temporary and plastic smile, or does that friendly welcome follow the first-timer everywhere they go?   How long does it take them to find someone they know?  Do you have a plan in place to help them make those connections?  Do your regulars go out of their way to introduce themselves to the first-timer, or are they so focused on their existing friends that there is no room for another?

How about you as leader?  Do you find a way to meet and learn the name of each of your guests, or are you so busy with preparations or closing up that you have no time to say hello?   (I’ve already admitted this is a weakness of mine – but one I’m consciously working on overcoming.)  And how long is it before the first timer is invited to something else?  All of these can help you make sure you not only have the brightness of hospitality but also the warmth.

Now, Time to Talk Back

I’m especially interested to know what your are doing to improve the hospitality of your youth groups.

• How do your decisions and plans demonstrate that you already had your guests in mind?
• What creative ways have you found to design for relationships? How does your facility promote interaction?
• What are you intentionally doing to make sure your group shows warmth to your guests from the moment they arrive?

I’m always looking for good ideas. Let me know what you have tried in the comments below.

And be sure to check out the first part of this series on friendship and hospitality: Harnessing the Power of Friendship to Reach New Teens.